


I'm Trying to Cope and Burn Just Right

by ellehcorx



Series: Fix My Soul [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Dan Howell and Phil Lester Get a Dog, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Self-Hatred, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 11:40:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14592249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellehcorx/pseuds/ellehcorx
Summary: Phil works through his self-hatred to make his relationship with Dan work.Sequel to "I'm Ashamed Of The Dark Places I Have Been"





	I'm Trying to Cope and Burn Just Right

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song Tribulation by Matt Maeson.

All Phil could see was darkness.

It was pitch black as he was being guided into a room he knows like the back of his hand. A room full of bad memories, but also nearly balanced with good.

The guide shifted his body to the left slightly. Suddenly they halt and the warmth of the hands acting as his blindfold disappear. Phil’s eyes adjust to the light and notice that he isn’t greeted by the usual reseda green walls. Instead they’re an ivory white. A colour signifying purity and safety. All of the things he’s felt these past few months, but couldn’t enjoy because of the constant reminders.

The constant reminders of Mallory’s abusiveness whenever he sat at the dining table she flipped over once when Phil told her they should take a break. The crack in their entry door frame from when she slammed the door so hard from preventing Phil from leaving. The super glued vase holding fake flowers from when she threw it at the wall behind Phil’s head after he confessed to cheating.

“What do you think?” asked the voice from behind him, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Phil didn’t realize tears began to well up in his eyes. He turned around to face Dan, whose proud smile instantly changed into a frown.

“What’s wrong?” Dan placed his arms around Phil and held onto him.

Phil just shook his head into Dan’s chest.

“Nothing’s wrong. Everything is right. You did a really good job, babe.” He tilted his head up and smiled at Dan.

They’ve been living together for 5 months now and only just saved enough to renovate Phil’s flat. Dan had been promoted to manager of Pet Pawsy, which only paid slightly more. And Phil was taking freelance jobs here and there as a photographer.

They weren’t in the best place financially, given the state of the economy. But they were happy and made do with what they had.

“Gran chipped in a little. An advanced Christmas gift for both of us,” Dan mentioned as he wiped a stray tear from Phil’s cheek.

Phil let go of Dan and took a proper wander around what was now _their_ flat. Every trace of Mallory replaced with Dan. The raggedy carpet that occupied the space under the coffee table was now an off-white faux fur rug. The empty space where the cracked beige leather couch once sat, now taken by a grey sectional sofa.

He turned his attention to the kitchen. The splintered cupboards that drove Mallory nuts whenever Phil left them open, now whole and a beautiful chocolate brown. Dan would roll his eyes and shut them whenever Phil did it, but Phil knew he secretly found it endearing because he’d do it with a smile.

Phil loved everything already. He didn’t need to see the whole apartment to know that _she_ was gone. He’ll never find another long, brown hair strand in the bathtub. He’ll never have to breathe in the rose scented candles she always lit that Phil hated. He’ll never have to hide a secret stash of sweets to sneakily eat in the middle of the night or whenever Mallory wasn’t home.

Now home was seeing Dan’s stubble shavings in the bathroom sink, even though he tried to wash them down the drain. The scent of campfire toasted marshmallows or beachwood in the air. 3 AM Domino’s and Haribo after sex while playing whatever video games they were obsessed with.

He faced Dan, who was following behind him. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist as he pressed a kiss onto his lips.

“It’s perfect. Thank you.” He gave Dan his most genuine smile.

“I know how badly you needed the change.”

Dan had insisted on doing the renovations himself. He enlisted the help of some friends from the church and they spent 2 weeks putting everything together. They slept at Gran’s house while their flat was in shambles.

Phil walked into the bedroom and grinned at how the decor was the perfect blend of the two of them. Their queen sized bed draped in grey sheets with bright blue accents. Two night stands on either of their sides. Two white dressers on opposite walls. Dan’s decorated with a customizable lightbox and Guild Wars merchandise. Phil’s with toys, such as plushies and a rubik's cube. He was amazed to see his clothes taking up half of the hanger space in the closet. Mallory used up all that space, leaving Phil to shove even his fancier items in drawers.

Phil sat down on the bed and reached his hand out for Dan to join him.

“I love you,” he said as Dan just stood in front of him between his legs, towering over him.

“Love you too,” Dan replied as he placed a kiss onto Phil’s forehead.

They stayed like that for a second. Dan’s forehead pressed against Phil’s. Phil’s arms around Dan’s waist with his hands slid into his back pockets. He liked the warmth of Dan’s body heat against his cold fingers.

“I’m going to start some dinner. Any requests?” Dan asked as he pulled his head up to make eye contact.

“That butter chicken you made last month was to die for.”

“Got it,” he said, pulling at Phil’s arms to loosen himself from his grip.

Phil frowned and playfully squeezed Dan’s butt before freeing him. Dan giggled before he left the room.

He laid down with his legs dangling off the bed. He didn’t know how he got so lucky with his life right now. It almost seemed unreal. Dan wasn’t perfect, but compared to Mallory, he might as well be the definition. It was weird to think of how much of a wreck he was before he met Dan. Phil felt so undeserving of him. He felt a little selfish keeping Dan for himself when he should be with someone who didn’t have the ability to cheat. Not that Phil ever wanted to. But he couldn’t stop judging himself and having that “once a cheater, always a cheater” saying run through his head. He even prayed to God sometimes that whatever light Dan saw in him, he never stopped seeing. Or that he never do anything to hurt Dan.

“Phil,” Dan called out. Distracting Phil from the thoughts he hated having. “Are you going to get off your rut and help?”

He smiled to himself a little and joined Dan in the kitchen.

As he began chopping up some onions, he noticed that the space next to the bathroom that used to hold a small table was bare.

“Still waiting on some furniture to put over there?” He pointed with the knife.

“Something like that,” Dan said reluctantly.

Phil stopped cutting. “You know I can’t do surprises.”

“We’re having a little friend come over and maybe stay here forever soon,” Dan responded warily, watching Phil’s reaction.

Phil dropped the knife on the cutting board. “You did not..”

Dan just nodded his head and grinned.

“I was thinking his or her crate would be perfect there.”

“Oh my god.” Phil ran over to him and sloppily planted one on his lips. Dan laughed into it. Phil’s childlike behaviour when he got excited was something Dan always mentioned he loved about him.

  


Phil’s heart was going through a million different emotions at once. He was thrilled to be in a room with so many dogs, but sad that he could only take one of them home. It’s been a month since Dan mentioned a potential furry friend coming into their lives. They sat down during that time and really talked it through if they were ready to be dog parents. Eventually it was decided that they were. Phil had always wanted a dog growing up, but was never allowed to get one by his parents or Mallory. Dan loved dogs and cared for some of his own.

As they approached each of the dogs, they were hoping a connection would be made with one of them to make their decision easy. Almost every dog excitedly came up to sniff their fingers through the gate. They were still unsure about which dog to take home, until they reached the last one.

“This is Gramps. I believe he got his name because of all his face wrinkles. He’s an 8 year old pug and jack russell mix. He’s very energetic, but loves to sleep. He does shed a lot because of his pug side, but easily manageable with daily brushing and lint rollers. Loves to walk, but doesn’t require too much exercise. His owners moved out of town and couldn’t take him,” the lady helping them said.

Phil knelt down and let Gramps sniff him. The fawn dog instantly wagged his tail and gave him continuous kisses. His brown eyes looking up at the two of them. He ran off to his bed and came back with a tiny hedgehog toy to offer them. _He is the one_ , Phil thought. He looked over at Dan who also had a knee on the ground and a hand that was being licked clean. Dan just gave Phil a nod and said, “I think this is the one” as if he read Phil’s mind.

“He definitely needs to meet Gran,” Dan joked, “we’ve found her a replacement husband.”

Phil giggled and lightly smacked Dan on the arm as he stood back up on his feet.

They filled out the required paperwork needed and had their home inspection scheduled. Even though adoption was a process, they knew it was worth it to give a dog a better life than the shelter.  


 

A week later, the day of their home visit came. Laurel, who worked with the agency, stopped by to interview them and check out their flat.

“What are your work schedules like?”

“I work full-time at a pet store, but can easily take time off and Phil usually works from home unless he has to go out to shoot photos for a client,” Dan answered for both of them.

  


_“Phil.” He heard Dan call out after he stepped through the door._

_Phil was editing photos of a home some realtor hired him to take photos of. “Bedroom,” he responded._

_“Guess who got promoted,” Dan said with a smirk._  

 _Phil placed his MacBook down and hopped off the bed to race over to Dan, “Really?”_  

_Dan nodded, smiling and Phil pulled him into the tightest hug._

_“Gemma thought it was finally time for her to go to Greece like she always planned to. She’s letting me run things while she’s gone.”_

_“That’s amazing!” Phil exclaimed as he pulled back, but kept his hands on Dan’s shoulders. “We need to celebrate.”_

_“I thought we were saving every quid to renovate.”_

_“I don’t care. Right now, we’re going to celebrate your success.”_

_“Your success too,” Dan motioned his hand to Phil’s MacBook._

_“Photos of a house are nothing compared to becoming manager.”_  

_“Hey, it’s just as valid okay,” Dan reassured him._

_Phil had been feeling inadequate for quite some time. It was hard to stay employed for long with the profession he was in. He loved taking photos, but he was starting to think that Mallory was right all along. As much as Dan supported him in doing what he loved, Phil always felt guilty for not being able to contribute as much as he did. Plus, staying home so much had started to make him feel a little crazy, especially with Mallory’s chosen decorations in every corner._

  


“Great. So someone will usually be home with the dog, yes?”

They both nodded.

“And you’re certain the two of you would work great together to care for him?”

Phil looked fondly over at Dan. “Yes. Definitely yes.”

“We’ve been through quite a bit together. Overcame a lot by working as a team,” Dan added.

  


_The beginning phases of their relationship weren’t always sunshine and rainbows. Phil was dealing with a lot of self-hatred. There were times where there was nothing Dan could say or do to keep Phil from feeling horrible and it caused him to hate himself more. Whatever he was going through was something Dan couldn’t be responsible for fixing. It was something he had to learn for himself._

_“I thought being with you was making me better,” Phil spoke through tears one night as he laid on Dan’s chest._

_“You are better,” Dan said softly. His thumb soothingly rubbing Phil’s arm._

_“I don’t feel like I am when I feel like crap and you can’t make me feel better. I swear I don’t deserve you a lot of the time,” he admitted._

_“Phil, you need to stop looking at me like I have a halo on my head. I won’t be able to make things better miraculously. I’m not perfect, but believe me, I want to do everything I can to be here for you.”_

_“I’m scared.”_

_“Scared of being with me?” Dan asked, worried._

_Phil nodded into his chest. “I don’t want to make mistakes again.”_

_“Do you think you will?”_

_“I don’t know. I don’t think so. But I’m afraid I don’t trust myself.”_

_“I trust you. Do you trust me?”_

_“Yeah, but-”_

_“Then we’ll be fine, Phil.” Dan pressed a kiss onto his forehead._

_Phil began seeing a therapist, Dr. Wallace, a few days later. She specialized in relationships. He went alone at first to talk about his relationship with Mallory and what exactly happened that lead him to where he was. He used to blame himself whenever Mallory got mad at him, but over the next few sessions, he realized it wasn’t entirely his fault._

_Dan came along with him later on. Dr. Wallace helped Dan and Phil learn the best ways to help Phil cope. Nowadays, it was only once in a while where his negativity crept in. And when it did, they found that giving Phil space, comfort, or affection usually got him out of that headspace._

_“Thank you,” Phil said breathily as he laid back on his pillow._

_“Are you thanking me for sex?” Dan chuckled._

_He whacked Dan’s chest. “Just thank you for helping me forget about my bad thoughts. Thank you for just loving me.”_

_“It’s not hard to,” Dan faced him and smiled._

_Phil cupped his face and kissed his lips._

_“We work well together, you and me. We’re a team, always,” Dan said before going in for another kiss._

  


“I can definitely see that,” Laurel replied with a smile. “It looks like everything is checking out. Now I just need to check your flat.”

They showed her around. Phil’s flat had a park next to it where they could walk the dog. He also had a little balcony where they could put fake grass when the dog needed to poop or pee urgently. Because the dog wasn’t very big, the space was a good enough size.

“Well boys, I’d say you’re ready to pick him up tomorrow.”

“Really?” Phil asked excitedly.

Laurel nodded and Phil grabbed onto Dan’s bicep to give it a happy squeeze.

“Thank you so much,” Dan voiced as he showed her the way out.

“Dan, oh my god, we’re getting a dog,” Phil blurted with wide eyes. He could not believe they were about to be responsible for a tiny little creature.

“We’re going to be great parents,” Dan declared.

“I’m worried, I’m scared, but I’m happy and so excited,” Phil blabbered.

“Now you really can’t leave me, seeing as we’re gonna have a four-legged child together,” Dan joked as he threw his arms around Phil’s neck.

It was a joke that would have made him feel attacked had it been said months ago. But now he was able to laugh about. Over time, Phil learned to trust himself and his feelings. He knew why he did what he did. He knew why his relationship with Dan was different, and much healthier, than his relationship with Mallory.

“I’d never leave you, ever,” Phil promised as he placed a peck on Dan’s chapped lips.

  


The following evening, they had a new occupant in their home. A curious little wanderer whose paws made little clicking sounds on the hardwood floor. Gramps adjusted to their flat quickly. He sniffed every corner and had a wee on the artificial turf. Dan cradled him and he fell asleep on his lap. Despite being 8, Phil swore that he still acted like a puppy when he played.

They naughtily let Gramps sleep in their bed that night. While Dan went to go brush his teeth, Phil snuggled with the dog.

“Your dads already love you very much. I can’t picture anyone better to raise a dog with than Dan. He’ll probably be the better one of the two of us, but trust that I’m gonna do my best to keep you happy, little guy. And maybe if this goes well, a human will be next,” Phil quietly told Gramps.

“That’ll be nice,” Dan agreed from the doorway, scaring Phil which caused Gramps to raise his head.

“You woke him up!”

“He’ll fall back asleep. After all the fetch we played, he’s got to be exhausted,” Dan said as he slid into bed.

Within a few minutes, Phil looked over and saw Dan and Gramps both fast asleep. He beamed at the sight. Even though there’s still a long road ahead of him in life, he felt like everything was falling into place as they should. He felt new again. Like what happened in his past was slowly releasing him from its chains. Like who he was at this moment in time was now enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> what? me posting 3 days in a row? don't get used to this lol
> 
> fact: dnp essentially adopted my dog in this fic lol. he was nicknamed gramps as a puppy bc he was a wrinkly old man.
> 
> come say hi on tumblr (howellucinogenics) & i'll gift you a picture of my dog :')


End file.
